Rants

ROGER back as boss. Murray wins the crowd.

Yep. That’s that. A record breaking Wimbledon is over and Roger Federer is back as the World Number One, aged 30. His semi final clash was a big surprise not because he won but because it was in a pretty average, at times boring as shit, match to watch. Novak just didnt show up after that 5-4 game in the third. And Federer pounced, obviously. Andy Murray’s opponent was J.W.T. aka The Zonks. Jo Willy lived up to his official nickname and entertained the hell out of people, diving left right as if he was on a beach, but Murray prevailed and the tears, already began to flow. Emotion Pressure Button: ON.

FEDERER (No.3) def. MURRAY (No.4) – 4-6 7-5 6-3 6-4

The Sun (www.thesun.co.uk)

But. The beginning of the final was a big surprise, so much so that my suspicious mind wondered if there was a deal struck for Murray to get his first slam because the RF was all over the place, and not there mentally, for ,like, the first set and a half. Andy was giving it his all but after the roof closed, Roger was in the zone and all Murray could do was moan and groan and be in physical pain. It was, at times, tragic and at times very weird. Murray producing some brilliance here and there, while Roger drop volleying and dropping slices of genius whenever he felt like it.

Say what you want about Roger and his arrogance or faggyness, the guy is a legend and deserves to beat Sampras’ record of the Longest Number One holder and he deserves the 7th Wimbledon. Murray was in pieces at the end, poor guy, you couldn’t not feel for the kid. He ain’t going nowhere though. One day, he’ll get Slam. But not today, bitch.

RANTIN SEMIS: THE DUDES

Well, there’s no Rafa. Grand Slam semi finals are very weird without Rafa Nadal, so I hope this Rosol-type of craziness doesn’t happen too often. El Matador, que pason?! His beloved Spain won the Euro though and if nothing else, I think that made him a bit happy. Moving on, without Rafa in the mix the top 3 big guys can all breathe a little easier. Though Federer was very much on the ropes against Benneteau, he survived and though not looking in peak condition, he destroyed Comrade Youzhny 6-1 6-2 6-2 in the quarters. So the mouthwatering semi has been set.

 

SEMI #1: FEDERER (No.3) v. DJOKOVIC (No.1)

www.dawn.com

These two guys have never met on grass, their head to head is a tight looking 14-12 in Roger’s favor, but they are 5-5 in Grand Slam matches, with NoDjo coming out on top in the three most recent ones. One thing’s for sure: this one is going to be FUCKING EPIC. It has 5 sets written all over it, as long as neither of them come out on court with their bodies only while their minds are off somewhere else, perhaps thinking about No.1 rankings and record breaking (Roger) or beating adored legends on their favorite surface (Nole). They never met on grass and this could be Roger’s last great chance at his favorite Slam (No Rafa). Novak has been looking might impressive though, losing only one set so far in the tournament, he’s breezed past his competition. Smart money is on Novak to win, in 4 or 5 sets. The hearts will be for Roger.

 

SEMI #2: TSONGA (No.6) v. MURRAY (No.4)

When Murray finally sent The Business Man packing with his briefcase back to Spain, an interviewer was like “..and now Murraymania! Get ready! Yeah?’ and poor ol’ Andy laughed awkwardly and muttered ‘Yeah’. It’s obvious: this Murraymania bullshit whenever a Wimbledon is happening and Murray is in the semis or quarters is all for the media whores and Andy himself is probably sick of it. First of all, the guy is Scottish. Secondly, this INSANE amount of pressure they put on him is pretty much THE main reason he chokes in key moments and ends up losing. So how about this. How about you shut the fuck up British people, and let him play and see if he gets there…by himself.

skysports

 

He’s up against Willy Zonka though who dispatched of Kohlshreibber in 4 tough sets. In fact, both of these guys had really tough quarters to get through (as opposed to the top two up there) so this match will be sensational, no doubt. Their head to head is 5-1 in favor of the Scot, and the two times they met on grass previously Andy was the victor. But this is Jo Tsonga we’re talking about: the guy who beat Federer last year from 2 sets down.  Anything can happen. I am hoping for Murray’s mental sake that he gets to the final.

RANTIN SEMIS: The Ladies

Well, this is the first rant I make about the ladies during Wimbledon. I know, I know, it’s not cool to forget about them but it’s like Gilles Simon says, women’s tennis sucks.  So what has been going on with the women? Well, the crazy shit was that Maria Sharapova (No. 1 – still, but not for long) was ousted by German Lisicki, who you might have seen in the god-awful Charlie’s Angels theme commercial for .. something. Kimmy Clijsters had a nice run during her supposed FINAL Wimbledon, until she got completely smashed 6-1 6-1 by Angelique Kerber, who went on to defeat aforementioned Lisicki and reach her first ever Slam Semi.

Miguel Medina/AFP/Getty Images

SEMI #1: KERBER (NO.8) V. AGA RAD (NO.3)

Aga has been playing some sick tennis this year. She’s running high on a 38-9 winning record this year, beaten by villainous Azarenka most of those 9 times. During her run she took out: Heather Watson the new British lady hope and Maria Kirilenko in three sets in the quarters. She looks like such a little fighter that you can’t but not root for her when she plays. She’s up against Kerber, the one who took out Clijsters and Lisicki in such style, and this should be a good one but I’m hoping beyond all hope that Aga gets to her first ever Slam final. Viva Polska bitches!

 

SEMI #2: WILLIAMS, S. (No.6) V. AZARENKA (No.2)

GETTY IMAGES

Serena is still in this! This will without-question be the MATCH OF THE DAY. The kettle-boiling squeeks of Azarenka are one of the most annoying things about the WTA right now, it’s unbearable, sometimes hilarious (how the squeels change tone when she does a drop shot or volley..priceless) but putting those aside, the girl can play. Aussie Open champion, the Bellorussian will be up against multiple-slam champ Serena “The Beast” Williams. I’m no fan of Serena, even though she really does seem like a nice person (sometimes), because of her attitude on-court, but personally I just want the best player to win here. Aga has little chance of defeating either of them, unfortunately. Yeah, I’m biased, and so are you.

SEED COUNTING ON MIDDLE SUNDAY: Guys

Trying to write articles or rants about this year’s Wimbledon without mentioning Nadal’s loss is proving tougher than trying to describe a pimp’s lifestyle without mentioning bling. It’s still so hard to believe. So much so, that one of the local sports channels yesterday made a mistake by saying Baghdatis beat Murray in the third round and I was like ‘whatevs’. Nothing would surprise me. With that in mind, let’s do a seed count and see who’s still alive..

Julian Finney/Getty Images Europe

  • -Djokovic (No.1) – moves to the Quarter Finals with super-dominant win over Troicki. Meets Mayer/Gasket next.
  • -Federer (No.3) – moves to the Quarter Finals, with 4 set win over Malisse. Back injury alert though! Meets Youzhny next.
  • -Murray (No.4) – is one set and one break to the good over Cilic before the rainfall. 7-5 3-1..
  • -Tsonga (No.5) – surprise! Fish got the first set 6-4..play resumes tomorrow.
  • -Ferrer (No.7) – took care of Roddick to meet The Goliath in what will undoubtedly be the match of the day.
  • -Delpo (No.9) – his quiet move through the draw will become pretty noisy tomorrow when he meets The Business Man
  • -Fish (No.10) – eating my words now because Fish got the first set. We’ll see if J.W.T. can recover tomorrow.
  • -Cilic (No. 16) – losing to Murray on Court 1. Play resumes a-tomorrow.
  • -Gasquet (No.18) – color me surprised again. Mayer is one set to the good here. WTF.

    Julian Finney/Getty Images Europe

  • -Kohlshreiber (No.27) – beat the Nadalslayer predictably. Meets America’s wet dream Brian Baker
  • -Youzhy (No.26) – Reaches a slam Quarter Final! Vodka for everybody! Meets (an ailing?) Federer next. Should be a good one.
  • -Mayer (No.31) – no trashing as of yet from Kasket, in fact, it’s Mayer who got the first set 6-3.
  • -Troicki
  • -Istomin
  • -Malisse
  • -Baker

 

 

Benneteau gives everyone a scare. All of a sudden, no seed seems safe.

After Rosol made the unthinkable a reality the other night, Julian Benneteau, 30 year old veteran Frenchman ranked 29, fueled his game with the upset buzz around the All England Club and found himself up two sets against none other than Wimbledon-favorite Roger Federer. Hold that thought. A little earlier, the defending champ lost the first set to maniac player Stepanek (the oldest guy to have still been left playing) but came back with a silky smooth 6-2 6-2 6-2 in business-as-usual style. In the last match on CC, the Fedex express and the colors of Beneton walked on the court and peeps were thinking to themselves ‘OK, phew. In Roger we trust. Ssshh genius at work’.

FEDERER (No.3) def. BENNETEAU (No.29) – 4-6 6-7(3) 6-2 7-6(6) 6-1

GLYN KIRK, Getty Images

More like…ssshhhit this genius is getting OWNED. Roger was two points away from losing this thing. In those first two sets, you gotta give it up to Benneteau. The guy was serving like a monster on three Monsters and pulling out shots that I really doubt he even knew he had. I mean, how in the fuck do these low ranked players, who are so injury prone (bless their poor bodies) and nowhere to be really seen during the whole season come out and play the match of their lives? WHERE THE HELL YOU BEEN HIDING JULIEN?

As that score says, the fourth set tie brake was the key. Benneteau threw the whole kitchen sink and every utensil he can find at Roger and he was so close he could almost taste it. But imagine losing both Nadal AND Federer in the first week? Serious headlines aside, that would of sucked. Big time. These low rankers come out and play like their life depends on it against the top of the top, and then falter in the next round to some inferior player. Happens all the time.

If it continues like this though, in all honesty, NO SEED IS SAFE. Nadal’s loss shook up the men’s draw like nothing else, and everyone is feeling the pressure. Exciting stuff, but fuck me if I don’t shit at least three bricks during each major match from now until the final. I love it.

No. 100 takes down No. 2. And it ain’t women.

Well, well, well. I haven’t been ranting too much about Wimby yet because quiet frankly, there hasn’t been much to rant about yet. All the seeds save for Berdych have been breezing through quiet nicely. In fact, I was going to rant about how there’s nothing to rant about. And then Lukas Rosol came along. Who? Exactly.

ROSOL (No. 100) def. NADAL (No.2) – 6-7(9) 6-4 6-4 2-6 6-4

Lukas Rosol. A Czech. Ranked 100 in the world. Personally, I never heard of him before today. And I’m not sure Rafa Nadal heard of him either, because today was the first time they ever played against each other. Rosol defeated Dodig the Croat in four sets to get a chance and face two-time Wimbledon champ, 11-grand slam champ Nadal on Centre Court. And let’s not kid ourselves here, EVERYONE  expected this to be a breeze for Nadal, even with his mini struggle against Belucci in the first set of the first round.

Getty Images: Clive Rose

But Rosol showed balls of steel and downed the increasingly puzzled Nadal in five sets: he fired aces left, right, centre, wide, down the Tit you name it, he fired it. His backhand was raping Nadal’s forehand. Just to give you an idea that this guy did not give a shit who was across the net from him, before the first set tie brake, his first serve percentage was 100%. Yeah. Who the FUCK is this kid!?

Now we know who is NOT getting the No.1 ranking, we can assume that Andy, Nole and Roger were masturbating in their rooms during the highlights reel of the match, and we are left to wonder no longer about Lukas Rosol. A player who shows no nerves, has a sick serve, looks like Philip Kohlshreiber and has a weird tattoo on his calf. And the guy who might forever be remembered as the man to beat Rafael Nadal in the second round of Wimbeldon and cause one of the biggest upsets in tennis history. WTF!

gulbis does nole a solid. takes out berdych immediately.

It’s been known ever since Ernests Gulbis burst onto the scene at the quarters of a Roland Garros a while back that him and Novak were buddies when they were like, 9. And they got to some shit together, apparently. Novak even refused to say what they did.

Alls that to say is, Gulbis has been one of those “under achievers” the commentators and analyzers like to take dumps on whenever his name gets mentioned. “Oh loads of talent … just, you know, didn’t achieve much” a.k.a. he’s a lazy bum. Well today at Wimbeldon, his first round appearance was against Tomas Berdych, the No. 6 and potential, huge, threat for Novak in the quarters. A few years ago this dude beat Federer and Djokovic back-to-fuckin-back at this very event.

Tennis.co.uk

So is there some backroom intrigue going on here? Someone owes someone else a Getorade for this one because Gulbis came out and was ALL OVER Berdych. He defeated him in straights sets, in tie breaks that never for one second looked tight. Gulbis was fuming with confidence, firing 30 aces in three sets, I think the umpire got a hard on. The evil-looking Czech had no answers and was simply, stunned.

We’ll see how long Gulbo lasts in this one, he’s known for being pretty erratic, but hey, his daddy is also a multi-millionaire so, as Conan O’Brien likes to say, ‘it’s all good my babies.’.

 

The look of the draw for the boys.

Another grand slam already?!!? This is why tennis owns all other sports. You pour your heart out during a major championship, shit bricks while your favorites go through or drop off like dehydrated desert lizards, and then when it’s over you hardly have time to get all your friends to like you again before you start ignoring them for another major tournament … again.

Photo by Neil Tingle/AELTC

So what’s on the line this time around? Not so much history like for RG, but more like, a war for the No.1 ranking. Here are the stakes:

Djokovic remains No.1 if he reaches the final.

Rafa regains No. 1 if he gets to the final and Djokovic loses before the quarters

Federer regains No. 1 (FYI he’s one week shy of breaking Pete’s record of holding the top ranking the longest..) if he WINS the whole shebang and Novak loses before the semis.

And Andy Murray? He’s chillin.

That is, until he saw the draw. He’s got the toughest road to the semi’s BY FAR. Starting off with Davydenko in the first round, and needing to go through the likes of Raonic, Baghdatis, Anderson, Del Potro, Roddick and Ferrer in the quarters. If anyone tells you someone else has a tougher road to the semis feel free to slap them.

Djokovic won’t have a walk in the park to defend his title either. If he successfully dismisses the former No. 1 Ferrero Roche, he’ll have to plow through Yoo San Loo (Queens semi finalist), Stepanek, Monaco, Kasket or Almagro, and Berdisshh in the quarters. He’s got dibs for second toughest road ahead.

Meanwhile, Rafa might have some trouble with Kohlshreiber (the man who beat him a week ago), Dolgopolov or Lopez, a recovering Fish…but honestly, Tsonga in the quarters will be his first real test.

And Roger? Good ol’ Rog must be paying someone off handsomely in the All England Club because all he’s gotta do is play at 60% to get to the semis. His biggest obstacle might be Tipsy but that depends on which version of Tipsy we get to see.

Whatever happens, we should thank our Tennis Gods for another exciting slam. WIMBELDON, FUCK YEAH!

QUEENS: Nalbandian makes sports headlines around the world…

…and not in a good way. Something pretty crazy happened during the final of Queens and I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to rant about it. The whole story makes me laugh seriously. He got the first set in a tight tie brake, 7-3, and was losing in the second, down 3-4 when, after missing a running forehand, he continued running and kicked the first thing in front of him out of frustration. Too bad that it was an advertisement made of what seems like cardboard and a line umpire who was sitting right behind it. The line umpire got a bloodied shin, Nalbandian got disqualified from the match and Cilic was like “fuckin’ A”.

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Check it out:

 

 

I like the dude in the last row who starts clapping as soon as Nalby kicks the shit out of that wood. Priceless. And now, not only does he give up his points, his prize money AND get fined an extra 10,000 pounds for this but, get this, there is a police investigation taking places right now. The allegation? Muthafuckin’ ASSAULT. I had to italicize that to emphasize the stupidity of the human mind behind this. Leave the guy alone for Christ sakes! He didn’t mean to hit the line judge (who is a bit of a pussy to be honest .. what you can’t take a little blood? You wobble coz you hurt your little shin? Fuck outta here) and he’s already said sorry countless times.

Hilarious. That dude in the last row knows.

HALLE: All Hail Haas in Halle.

I’d say Roger’s loss to Tommy Haas is part of the same show that Murray was involved in in the first round of Queens. Let’s call the show something like: “What the Fuck Went Wrong There?”. Two contests play a tennis match: one of them is either a) a legend or b) top 5 material. The other is some has-been, injury-plagued poor bastard who is still playing the game while everyone has either a) already counted him off as any kind of threat or b) never considered him a threat to begin with. The aim of the game is to have the audience shout out “WHAT THE FUCK WENT WRONG THERE?” by the time the match is over.

 

Photo By INA FASSBENDER/REUTERS

HAAS (WC) – now ranked 49 in the world – def. FEDERER (No.3) – 7-6(7-5) 6-4

Never in a million years would I think that this would happen. Watching the highlights video never tells you the whole story, looking at the stats at the end doesn’t really mean jack shit to me if I can’t see the winners and unforced errors stat. A quick glance tells me the Fedex Express was choking on the second serve points (38% of points won?! Nuh-uh man) but I can bet you cash money the story is told in the unforceds. Roger, Roger….people are going to start talking man, this isn’t fucking cool what you’re doing: getting to the final and then completely unwinding..is it all part of a Swiss strategy worthy of making James Bond forget to get laid, or are Roger’s years catching up to him?

The 34 year old Haas though? Whassap. Played some great ball and slapped the monkey off his back by beating the Great Fed after 9 straight losses. Can’t say nothing ’bout that. Good shit.